Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
