Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
