Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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