You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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