All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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