Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
