i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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