I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
