Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
do nipples grow back?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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