Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
