if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
