sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
