The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
