i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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