there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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