I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
