I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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