sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
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Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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