cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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