I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.