i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
