Im at strip club and am horny
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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