woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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