Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
