We won't sleep together?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
