No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Randomize
