Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
