There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
