batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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