Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
