good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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