There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
