I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
