Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
