your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
