In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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