have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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