she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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