Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
as a side note pls kill me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
