it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
