I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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