You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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