Swine flu. Run for my life!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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