I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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