my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
