I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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