Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
