with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
