shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
