if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
