I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
