thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
