trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
