Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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