yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
