You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
