false alarm. still invincible.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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