Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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