I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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