is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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