went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
