I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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