i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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