dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
