Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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