dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
